.hopin' for a peanut or two.

.one.

2012-01-06T10:50:00.000-08:00

wow, where did this year go!? i am posting this today because tomorrow we'll be busy celebrating little wy's first birthday. i can't believe it and get a little teary thinking he'll never be a baby again. he's still my baby, but come may we'll have two and we couldn't be more excited about that. as the days creep by, i can't wait to see wyatt as a big brother and i know in a year or two our little boys will be making lots of little pitter-patter around the house. i wanted to jot down a few things to remember wyatt at his first birthday.

- he's still doing his straight arm twirl when he gets excited

- can take 8-10 steps but is a little shy about it without help

- dances on cue, when we say "shake it, wyatt, shake it"

- can high-five

- does patty cake when we sing the song (claps up and down though :)

- waves bye bye, or hi

- gives kisses, hugs, and head bonks

- is FINALLY getting his 2 front teeth, that will make a total of 4

- loves the bead maze, wooden shape sorter, and his books that sing songs

- still LOVES the bath.. especially with papa's swimming bugs

- loves to snuggle blankets and stuffed animals

- takes 2 naps a day

- goes to bed at 7:30 and wakes at 7

- eats EVERYTHING

- drinks out of a straw sippy all the time.. NO MORE BOTTLES

- loves his daddy.. if i'm around and dad is too, he wants dad

- is wearing 18-24 month clothes

- is just the love of our lives

one cute thing i caught him doing yesterday.. i couldn't hear him anywhere so i started looking around and wyatt had carried his stuffed doggy and 2 books into a corner in his room and was quietly "reading" .. just melted my heart.

.9 months.

2011-11-14T13:30:00.000-08:00

wyatt is now 10 months but i wanted to just jot down a few things about his 9th month.

stats:

weight: 23.5 lbs

height: 29 inches

things he's doing and loving:

crawling

giggling all the time

baths (that hasn't changed)

balls, all kinds

mckenzie

suckers

walking around all the furniture

pulling up to standing on ANYTHING

drinking from straws

sleeping 13 hrs at night

2 naps

bananas

applesauce

yogurt

only has 2 teeth still

does his frowny face when he's excited, weird

wants to be in the same room as cam and me

not good at independent play :(

still cute as can be

and currently has hand foot mouth disease.. NOT FUN.

.still in shock.

2011-09-15T13:06:00.000-07:00

ok, so now everyone knows that we are expecting a SURPRISE miracle in may. first i have to write that this was "planned" but we really really thought it would NEVER happen on our own. i guess we always have had "hope" that we would conceive naturally, but you kind of have to be realistic too. so i stopped breast-feeding in april to get my periods back so we could start to "try" for another baby this fall. when i did finally start my periods again in may and june, they were super regular like they were before i got pregnant with wyatt..but they were longer.. i have always thought that my 24 day cycles before wyatt were a problem but none of my drs seemed to care. so now i had cycles that were the standard 28 days. lovely. i began doing ovulation testing in july and never got a + so i chalked it up to still having some hormonal imbalances. so in august i began testing for ovulation again, and on august 28 (CD 15) i finally got a + test. (before wyatt i NEVER ovulated after CD 10-11, so that was different, but better.) we did some "good timing" but we still both felf like it was a shot in the dark considering we had to do 4 ivfs to get little wy. life got pretty busy around then, we were re-roofing our house, landscaping the yard, and i was working a lot. i started spotting lightly on sept 6, and thought, yep, period is on her way.. didn't think much of it. a few days later i looked at the calendar on sept 11 and realized i was on CD 29... and the spotting was all but GONE. weird. my first thought was, ok, now i know my hormones are jacked because now i'm not even getting a period. i was planning on calling the dr to get some tests done the next day to see what was going on with my hormones. on monday sept 12.. i got home from work at 7 am and briefly mentioned to cam that my period never showed up this month. he asked if i was pregnant... and i looked at him funny (ok, more like a crusty) and said, "yeah, right." well by the afternoon i remembered that i had a dollar store pregnancy test in the cupboard from when i got pregnant with wyatt. i was sorta laughing at myself for even thinking of doing it, but what the heck. and i peed on the stick. i was SO sure it was going to be negative that i didn't even wait to look at it.. i set in on the sink and went to feed wyatt lunch. i came back to grab something and the test caught my eye... NO SQUINTING needed, there were 2 pink lines. and i kinda freaked out, not because i didn't want to be pregnant, more that i would get my hopes up that i was only for it not to be true. i thought, maybe the test was expired and it was wrong. i wisked up the baby and we ran to the store for more tests. and sure enough..all were blatantly +...no questions asked. i called cameron and he was shocked but much more willing to accept the news then i was...i was just in protection mode...aka, denial. of course, i called dr g and she wanted me to get an hcg and progesterone done. well, its been almost a week now, and my levels are rising and i'm on progesterone support, for precaution mostly :) my first beta at 14 dpo was 111 and on 16 dpo it was 259. anyway, that's the story and there is NOTHING that we could be happier about. we feel extremely blessed and can't wait for wyatt to have a sibling so close to him. i am writing this now, but obviously not posting it until we tell our families... which should be around the 2nd week of october... by then we will have had a 7wk ultrasound to find a heartbeat. so...SUPRISE...we're cured, for now.

UPDATE:
we had our ultrasound on oct 1st and good news.. one little baby, one little heartbeat. we're over the moon.

.6 months.

2011-07-05T20:21:00.000-07:00

i just thought i'd jot down a few things we want to remember about our little peanut (or should i say BIG peanut) at six months.

- weighs about 20 lbs and is almost 27 in tall (6 month appt next week)

- he absolutely loves his baths and the pool.. he could splash in them all day

- he's taking 3 naps pretty regularly and goes to bed around 7

- still wakes once a night to eat between 3-5 (hope this goes away soon)

- is eating about 1 tub of gerber 1st stages food per day

- LOVEs green beans, peas, squash, and sweet potatoes

- just learned a new trick.. blowing raspberries with FOOD in his mouth. he thinks he's so funny even though i try to keep a straight face and tell him no

- is almost sitting on his own. he can stay up for a good minute or so but then falls back or to the side

- has totally mastered rolling, front to back and back to front

- just started to do baby push ups when on his tummy

- has two little teeth bumps on his lower gums... should be here any day

- LOVEs his sophie the giraffe.. loves to chew on her feet and horns

- is in size 3 diapers and still soaks the overnights almost every night

- has had 3 blowouts over the 4th of july weekend... one for daddy :)

- is completely binky free for sleeps so he doesn't wake for it 10 times at night

- looks like he's had chemo because he's losing his hair on the sides, but the top is SO long

- is so smiley every morning.. never cries, just plays in his crib til we come get him

- has the cutest, chubbiest cheeks on his face and his bum

- still loves the exersaucer, could play in it for over an hour...

- starting to LOVE the jumperoo

- has totally outgrown all his 3-6 month clothes.. very sad

- has been to duck creek, st. george, and we're going to jackson hole tomorrow

- been rollerblading lots in the bike trailer

- been 4 wheeling in the backpack

- has me and his daddy wrapped around his little finger.. how did we ever live without him

.guilty.

2011-04-21T11:24:00.001-07:00

so i started feeling really guilty that i haven't done a better job at documenting all the funny, cute, and amazing things about wyatt. i don't really want to bore the readers of my family blog, so i think i'll just use this IF blog to post stuff about him, and still document our IF journey for baby #2 in a year or two.

so wyatt will be 4 months on may 7 and he has grown SO much. he is learning so many things and i absolutely LOVE watching his eyes light up when he discovers something new. i never thought i'd like just sitting and watching him for hours and hours, but i do :) it's so fun. i'm also so lucky that i can work full time and be a stay at home mom all at once. i'm working sun, mon, tue nights 7p-7a in PACU. it works out beautifully. cameron has really stepped up to the plate and is a phenomenal daddy. he takes the night shift the 3 nights i work and he really does such a great job. he puts him to bed and wakes up when he eats... but the last few nights he has been sleeping 9-10 hours straight. his bed time is 730 so that means he still wakes up at 4-5am but he eats and goes back to sleep til 7am. i call that sleeping through the night. love him.

as for me, i pretty much had PPD/PPA. i didn't realize that's what it was until most of the people around me mentioned it. when wyatt was 3 months old, i finally called my dr and got some medication for it. it has been smooth sailing since those started working. i am coping so much better and that has allowed me to fall more in love with my baby. i didn't feel very connected to him for a LONG time because of it, and that makes me feel sad. i just have to realize that i wasn't me and the next baby i'll be more aware of what to look for sooner. anxiety is absolutely the WORST feeling in the world and i can't say that i've ever REALLY experienced it until after wyatt was born. it was very scary. my heart would race, i couldn't breathe, and taking wyatt out alone would send me into a full blown panic attack. i was afraid of everything, afraid he would cry while we were out and i would be able to calm him. who was i kidding. of course he's going to cry sometimes :) anyway, i feel so much better and i feel like i know wyatt so well that taking him places is no problem now. it also helps that he is such an easy-going, smiley baby.

so here are some fun things i want to remember about wyatt right now:

-his favorite activity is his play mat. just last week he started grabbing the toys. he thinks he's pretty cool when he does.

-he weighs over 15 pounds

-his reflux seems to be going away, he hardly spits up now :) yay for less laundry

-his thights have a few rolls each

-his head is still slightly flat, but hoping that it rounds out a bit when he starts sitting

-he hardly ever cries, only if he's hungry or tired

-he's now totally formula fed and does the best with the costco brand.. it's $16 a can and lasts 10 days

-he has only laughed once and it was for cameron, i have yet to hear it

-he always wakes up so happy from naps or bedtime

-he purses his lips when he stands and we call it his "big boy face"

-LOVEs his baths, just recently had to move his tub into the big tub to prevent splashing

-is just starting to take longer naps

-has the sweetest lip pout when he wants to smile but is starving

-only poops twice a week

-loves the bumbo, swing, and stroller

-has already been to st. george and new mexico

-his favorite songs are the itsy bitsy spider and you are my sunshine

-has lots of hair and it doesn't have an ounce of curl to it

-looks like he'll have blue eyes

-is starting to notice when i leave the room.. he doesn't cry, but definately looks around a lot

-thinks belle is hilarious

those are just a few things i love about our little bug. he's the best.

.welcome.

2011-01-31T14:21:00.000-08:00

look who made his debut january 7th, 2011.. at 4:03 pm

wyatt jackson owens

7lbs 8oz

21 inches

to read the story click here:

http://ashandcam.blogspot.com/2011/01/story.html

.we made it.

2011-01-01T01:07:00.000-08:00

yup, we made it to 2011.. our little guy is still snug as a bug in my squishy uterus. it's such an odd rush of emotions.. you want to meet them, yet you're still not sure if everything is totally ready, and you want your little one to come when THEY are ready. i'm totally ready for him, but is he ready for us? as for our last appt (38 weeks) i was still about 3cm dilated, but almost 100% effaced. my next appt is on wednesday (jan 5) and i'm going to ask dr. g if she would consider induction for that thursday or friday? doesn't hurt to ask, right? mostly i'm just super anxious and absolutely excited to meet him. i can't even believe he'll be here in less than 2 weeks! we're pretty set on his name, but you'll have to wait and see when he comes :) hopefully next post we'll have a little baby in our home.. can't wait to meet you, little man.

.37 week appt.

2010-12-22T13:58:00.000-08:00

just got back from dr g's office for my 37 week appt. just love her. she wanted to be SURE he was head down so she brought in the lovely ultrasound machine. it was nice to see our little guy again. we got to see his little face for the first time (at the 20 week ultrasound his hands were mostly covering his face). i think he has cameron's smushy lips and a button nose kinda like mine. we'll see if that's true soon enough! anyway, today was my first internal exam and i was pleasantly surprised that instead of being totally closed up...i was dilated to 2.5 and 70-80% effaced. i'm trying not to get too excited, because i know you can hang out like that for weeks and weeks, but dr g felt pretty confident that i won't make it to my due date. that's pretty exciting. also, she said that since i have already shown that i can make progress, she wouldn't mind inducing me a few days early or at least stripping my membranes! yay! now for flex pay purposes, i really really don't want him to come this year! we put lots of money on our flex pay for 2011, just to pay for the delivery, so if he comes this year, that money will have to be used for something else (maybe lasix for me??) anyway, anytime after january 1st at 12:01am is fine, but not this year, ha ha. in all seriousness though, we'll take him whenever he's ready :) and it would be super fun for whit to be here to meet him :) only a couple weeks!

.holy 38 days.

2010-12-05T21:56:00.001-08:00

yup, you read it correctly...that's just over 30 days, folks. 38 days (or hopefully less) until we meet our little dude. isn't it so crazy...maybe i'm the only one who thinks it's crazy close. now that it's so close to being over, i'm not so sure i want to be done being pregnant...yeah, it's mostly uncomfortable, but it's pretty amazing too. i probably complain a lot, to cameron, but really it's been amazing to see the changes and the feel the life of another human inside me. does my back kill all the time, yes. do my feet and ankles look like redwood trees, yes. do i feel like an elephant is sitting on my lungs, yes. and did i actually have sweat beading up on my forehead while teaching yw today, yes... but is it 100% worth it? absolutely, and i haven't even had the chance to fall in love with his little face yet. i can't imagine how that must feel to see and hold your little one for the first time. i'm sure people that read this (if anyone still does) have been there, but i think it's something you have to feel for yourself. it has to be something unforgettable and probably takes your breath away. i'm kind of tired of trying to imagine how it will feel, and just want it to be here! ugh. but i'm soaking up my last few weeks :) according to all the websites and my books, our little one weighs a little more than 5 pounds and can come really at any time...but don't worry, that's not happening because his head is still SO high and his feets are kickin' away at my ribs...ouch. anyway, haven't had a dr appt for 3 weeks so not much to report there, but we're still just hangin' out and waiting to meet our baby. 38 days left!

.30 weeks.

2010-10-31T20:19:00.000-07:00

oh my gosh.. the time is flying now. it seems like just yesterday i was 20 weeks and finding out that our peanut is a little boy! and now, we're only 10 weeks away from meeting our little guy. that's nuts. i really don't have much to say about it other than i hope the next 2 months go by quick. i can't wait to meet him.. the anxiety of waiting is killing us. i'm officially huge now. i was dreading the day when the drs i work with started to notice...isn't it just so awkward knowing they notice, but they don't know for sure if i am or not, so they don't ask, but you know they want to? it's funny, when the drs are giving me report on my patient, they basically are glacing down every few words to check it out.. i finally just started saying, yeah, it's a belly, and i'm having a boy :) i think after that, we're both relieved. ha ha. the back aches are pretty bad.. i can't sleep at all. sometimes i even have to hang my upper half over the side of the bed to stretch it all out..crazy. it's pretty amazing how our bodies just mold to where the baby needs it to for them to grow. it sure is a miracle... now let's just pray for a miracle that it'll all go back where it started.. fat chance. so i'm pretty sure we're now mostly ready for him to come. nursery is done, bassinet is up, and carseat is waiting. i think we're just a little anxious, what do you think?? here's to 30 weeks down, 10 to go!

.wow, 24 weeks.

2010-09-19T22:58:00.000-07:00

so this post is slightly premature.. but this week marks viability. not saying if i were to go into labor that this little boy would survive, but there's a chance and that's a slight sigh of relief. and believe me, i'm not asking for a micro-premie. that would be tough! but i guess i'm just trying to say that i'm so grateful to have made it this far, and feeling as good as i do. i've been feeling a little sad lately because i just don't feel "connected" to this little guy yet? is that bad? i mean i love feeling him and i talk to him and i just try and envision the day that cameron and i get to meet him. i hope it is still my insane coping mechanism that infertility taught me.. thanks, infertility...i really appreciate it. anyway, i'm not a worrier and people always tell me, "just wait til you see his little face, you'll melt" and i have NO doubt that those words are true. i'm still very excited and i've had some wonderful moments, just me and him, where he's tossin' and turnin' and i have to laugh. it's so weird and beautiful at the same time. i think my mom is slightly bummed that she hasn't felt him, but i have an anterior placenta that makes the little movements hard to feel from the outside.. but cameron has seen him in there rollin' around.. he's in awe. i have to hand it to my husband. he's great and so excited for this baby. sometimes i wonder if he's more prepared than me.? he's great. i know he'll have such a stellar relationship with our little guy, one i'll most likely to be jealous of. well for stats purposes, i have felt the little one kick most of the time..he definately doesn't sleep more than he's awake, in my opinion. he's over a pound now and probably cute as can be. people are still pretty shocked that i'm 24 weeks almost...because i just haven't "popped" yet. i know it's comin'. i've been pretty lucky that i don't have to really worry about what i eat...i just eat when i feel like it. works pretty good. i see my ob on wednesday and i'm hoping she's ok with my 6 lb weight gain... we'll see. i seriously couldn't eat more or better if i tried. i get so full, so fast! i probably drink a gallon of milk every day or so. so as far as belly pics.. there aren't too many yet. we took some at the u of u game last sat but i look pudgy, not pregnant. i'll see if i can post one soon.. because i'm not sure if this will be my one and only pregnancy? i would be so sad if it were, but we feel very strongly about adoption still.. we'll see. happy 24 weeks to us.

.the name.

2010-09-10T03:59:00.000-07:00

so i'm not usually a fan of asking people's opinions about baby names, mostly because it's the parents and the kiddo that have to live with the name, so it really shouldn't matter what other people think. but i'm going to put some of the names we like out there, some only i like, and some only cameron likes, and just see what you think. ultimately we'll be deciding together and this blog will have no influence...but just for kicks??

-gunner
-crew
-bauer
-griffin
-wyatt
-greyson

so we obviously don't really go for the popular names, can you tell? what do you like. we're pretty sure the middle name will be cameron, but it has to flow with the OWENS last name. :) have fun giving us your input.

.photo.

2010-09-02T14:30:00.000-07:00

.our little boy.

2o weeks

.20w0d.

2010-08-29T19:55:00.000-07:00

so i wasn't able to post much last week and i wanted to write about the BIG ultrasound. i've heard ladies talk about it and you think you know what to expect going into it, but cameron and i were both pretty awe-struck with how great it was. it truly is a miracle all those little cells, that began as two single cells, all know where to go and what parts to create. seriously, amazing. i remember taking an embryonolgy class at the U and feeling the same way, but it's so incredible when it's YOUR two cells that it starts from. anyway, the ultrasound was great, the girl that did it was so nice, telling us all about each image she recorded. the images were so wonderful. to see those 4 chambers in the heart and the actual heart valves pumping away! WOW! and to see all the structures of the brain, even the tiny ones, that produce the CSF...unbelievable. and of course, there was no mistaking the gender.. loud and proud, he is very boyish! anyway, you get the gist. we were so glad to hear all the great news that our IVF/ICSI baby is (mostly likely) not going to have anything wrong with him.. he's such a little miracle and we couldn't be more happy to meet him. i have had some panicky moments (which is NOT like me) where i feel like he's not going to be cute or something...normal, right? it's so weird being a worry wart...because it's SO NOT like me. i really couldn't do that full time, it's exhausting. it has been pretty amazing feeling those little bubble-like feelings in my tummy..a little reassurance that he's still there. it's kind of nice having a little buddy 24/7 to talk to. i'm sure his little ears are already bleeding from me jabbing away all the time :) love you, little one.

.thrilled.

2010-08-24T23:00:00.000-07:00

wow, what an amazing experience to see the little man's parts...
he looks healthy, good heart, good brain, good boyish parts...
we couldn't be more thrilled
can't wait to meet you, little guy

.16w1d.

2010-07-28T05:07:00.000-07:00

well things are still moving right along. i had an appt with dr. g yesterday and luckily my mom wanted to come, since cameron had a meeting at work. my mom, like me, had also been anti-female-dr before, but she, like me, absolutely loved her! i was just as impressed with her seeing her yesterday as the first day we met. i was worried that she was going to scold me for not gaining any weight, but she really didn't even care as long as i was getting my 64 oz of water each day. i actually lost a pound and told her my appetite just sucks. and she said, don't worry about it, you'll get it back. good news. i am almost 100% sure we're having a boy. i even saw what he looks like in my dream...i know, i know, dreams aren't real, but this was borderline revelation, ha ha. anyway, he's cute and he has a little dark hair?? we'll see. i scheduled my ultrasound for august 24th so i guess we'll know then. other than that, everything looks perfect still.. no spotting and the heartrate measured 148... still great. as far as how i feel...still crappy some days, others, pretty good. still not complaining though.. it's all worth it. can't wait to meet the little guy (or girl, if i'm totally wrong), but i hope not before christmas is over.

.round ligaments, ugh.

2010-07-13T23:34:00.000-07:00

maybe it's a little early to be having such dramatic symptoms, but geez.. they weren't kidding about that round ligament pain. i can't even cough without having to crouch over. i can totally feel them just stretching away.. or so i think. i'm still fitting fine into my normal clothes, which i find a little weird, since i'm into my 2nd trimester? but i'm not going to complain. i'm sure the belly will come. i also haven't gained a pound.? once again, not complaining, but i really eat well (ha ha) and didn't throw up much in the 1st trimester..so i'm hoping dr. g is ok with that. of course i'm going to question every little thing since it is my first and don't have a clue what being pregnant is like. i still find it SO WEIRD that i have NO proof of being pregnant...no real belly, can't feel kicks yet, and now i feel much better than before, so it really baffles me. if it weren't for that handy dandy doppler at work (oh, and maybe those ligament pains), i wouldn't believe it was true. anyway, i have my 16w appt in 2 weeks and i'm excited to see what dr. g says. can't wait to see her again.

.must have turned the corner.

2010-06-27T22:34:00.000-07:00

so mostly this blog will document how this pregnancy goes, for my reference later, i'm sure no one really wants to read about it on my "main family blog." so if you're an infertile sister like me, i know it can hurt to read about this stuff... just a heads up. anyway, i always used to get SO UPSET listening to those who complained about being sick when they're pregnant. so, i vowed to NEVER do it, if i got sick. and i hope i've done a good job, i know Cameron would say i've complained a little (or a lot), but i hope i never did outside of my house, cause that is SO annoying! anyway, i was sick, not bad, but enough to make the days kinda rough. i tried to hide it because i'm really so grateful to at least be able to be sick...which means i'm still pregnant. thank goodness that first trimester is pretty much over. i'll do it over and over if it brings me a bundle of joy each time.. but i'm also very grateful that the past 5 days i've felt significantly more like myself, energy has returned..and trips to the bathroom have become much less frequent, and not to mention, i can actually eat almost anything, not just mac and cheese and crackers. that will certainly make summer vacations easier to pack for. i'm sure i'll still have those "bad, icky days," but i'm grateful i can get back to normal, making dinner, helping in the yard, and meeting friends for lunch. it's crazy how at 12 weeks you really do "turn the corner."

.11w2d.

2010-06-23T15:29:00.000-07:00

so we had our first ob appt yesterday, so i'm FINALLY released from my reproductive endocrinologist...which also means...NO MORE SHOTs, MEDs, or SUPPOSITORIEs! i never thought that would happen! i think now they refer to me as a normal patient. thank goodness. anyway, i switched drs from my original ob because i'd heard such great things about this practice. i was SO against a girl dr, but we were so pleasantly surprised by dr. gravelle. she was AMAZING! so personal, did not make us feel rushed, answered all our questions, and even did an ultrasound even though we just had one a week ago. we saw our little peanut again, and cam was even able to see it's hands covering it's face. i was sideways and couldn't really tell anything from something, but it was so cute to see it bouncing and flipping around. everything looks so good and i'm actually measuring 3 days ahead... so i'm almost 12 weeks! i'm feeling pretty good, most days. i get to go back to see dr. gravelle in 4 weeks and can't wait to see her again. oh, and the best part, she's pregnant too, and due in september, so she'll be back in the office before i deliver. sweet. so fun. we're so excited, now..finally.

.8w6d.

2010-06-09T13:17:00.000-07:00

this photo is from our 8w6d ultrasound. can't see much, but we did hear a heartbeat (168 bpm). smile. this little peanut was movin' around like crazy, doin' all sorts of gymnastic moves. still on track, and it feels pretty good.

.i heart dopplers.

2010-06-08T00:30:00.001-07:00

so one of the many advantages of working at a hospital is that we have a doppler machine right in pacu. and of course...i thought it was WAY too early to detect a heartbeat on doppler being only 8w4d. well, as work kinda slowed down tonight, i thought, hmmm, it doesn't hurt to try? well, after about 10 mins of searching i found our little peanut's heart rate. a good old 177. nice and strong. just to make sure i wasn't imagining it, i found it several times. (at 8w it really is tough to find) but i did it. and i'm so happy! i wish cameron were here. i can't wait to tell him in the morning when he wakes up! never thought that pacu doppler would bring so much peace and reassurance. ahhh.

.raspberry.

2010-06-03T22:51:00.001-07:00

looks like summer must be here, time to bring on the raspberries!

Your baby is growing like mad, putting on about a millimeter every day and continuing to straighten out in the trunk. Though you can't feel it yet, baby is moving those little arms, legs and (now only slightly) webbed fingers and toes like crazy.

.just one.

2010-06-02T08:44:00.000-07:00

so we had our first ultrasound last thursday. we found two sacs, but only one had a little heartbeat in it. so, we're having one little peanut, just like we hoped. the baby measured 7w0d, which was exactly what i was...and a heartbeat of 128.. i thought after that we'd be able to believe it, but it's still hard to be excited. i'll be 8 weeks tomorrow and i'm hoping it sets in soon. i have felt pretty crappy this past week. lots of queasiness, but nothing too bad. it's kinda reassuring. we have pictures, but i haven't scanned them yet. i will soon.

.lookin' good.

2010-05-17T15:20:00.000-07:00

geez, i'm so spoiled because as i was making my ultrasound appt with my new dr.. the nurse said they didn't want to do an ultrasound unless they were sure my hcg was > 1500... duh, it probably was last week, but therefore, i got to have another blood test. today's wonderful number that they wanted to see > 6000 was :

13697 !!

still not sure if there are two in there? probably not, because they are just doubling every 2 days..but we'll take anything we can get!

.symptoms?.

2010-05-14T11:18:00.001-07:00

well, not here. i think it's the weirdest thing that when you ARE in fact pregnant, that you can feel so NOT pregnant. i know it's still so early, but geez.. it would be slighlty reassuring to have SOMETHING feel different. anyway, cam and i still can't believe it..and we really don't believe it still. that first ultrasound cannot come fast enough. i keep having bad dreams that the ultrasound will show a sac, but no heartbeat...i'm hoping those are just dreams.. and not how this journey will go. it will be nice to just get through these next 2 weeks and then we'll be able to relax at the pool in st. george for memorial day. i guess i'll just keep feeling normal.

.beta #4. (yes, i'm obsessive)

2010-05-10T17:59:00.000-07:00

i think dr. f is probably so annoyed with my ocd with betas. he's so nice, though, and let's me get them when i want. so i had another one today. just to put my mind at ease... results are in..

today's number:

771

and the spotting is mia today, thank goodness.!

.beta #3.

2010-05-09T19:17:00.000-07:00

so, my dr. was so happy with the last beta that he didn't have me scheduled for one til May 12th. well, yesterday morning i started spotting and i called and had him order one, just for my peace of mind. here's how it went..

today's number:

333

not really sure what to think still, since i'm still spotting, but dr. f is not concerned...so i guess i'll try not to be either. not having another beta til wednesday. so we'll see. still can't get too excited, but those numbers really do look high? right?

.beta #2.

2010-05-06T08:17:00.001-07:00

ok, so we've already surpassed our beta numbers from last cycle..! todays number:

150

it's still hard to celebrate, but that's a good strong number, even for twinners. so i'll be waiting for dr. f to call to see if he wants one more beta or we can just schedule an ultrasound in 2 weeks. my guess is he'll want another beta. so we're getting closer by the day :) here's where our numbers sit for a normal single pregnancy...pretty high!

and i really love this chart that shows hcg numbers and how they correlate to viable pregnancies.

Figure 3. Probability of various pregnancy outcomes according to deciles of serum hCG
concentration 12 days after embryo transfer. (my hcg at this time was 333)!

.beta #1.

2010-05-04T13:17:00.000-07:00

beta #1 numbers are in..

:drumroll:

52.

holy crap, i'm pregnant.

at this time last cycle my beta was only 5..so maybe twins?

well, we're not holding our breath just yet..not til we see a heartbeat or two.

but we're happy for now.

and got GREAT news from dr. f today...we thought we'd have 2 to freeze and so when i talked to him today, i asked how those 2 froze and he said, "no, ash, we got to freeze 4.!" so i guess the last 2 that were lagging caught up and were frozen with our other 2. so we have four little frosties... can't wait to see what happens. and who knows, maybe some siblings with 1 cycle?

and, cause they're so pretty.

.ivf #4.

2010-04-29T18:36:00.000-07:00

i can't even remember the last time i posted on this blog..i think i was pretty upset. well, surprise, we have just completed our 4th ivf cycle in las vegas with dr f. love that guy. so i know the details are usually boring for most people (and probably significantly over the head) but i have to document this for future reference. i always forget the fine detail after a few days. so here goes.

cycle meds.
yaz bcp 3 weeks
dexamethasone
folic acid
doxycyline
bromocriptine dropped from 2 a day to 1
lupron 10 units for 5 days, dropped to 5 for 2 days, then switch to ganirelix
ganirelix 0.25 ml til trigger day
follistim 600 for 2 days then drop to 375 for 6 days. total stim days = 8
luveris 1 vial every other day x3 days, then 2 vials the night before trigger

lmp april 8

april 18- drove to vegas with mom

april 19- first appt with dr. f-- about 12 follicles

april 20- scan and e2-- follicles grew a lot. largest follicle 19mm, total of 14

april 21- trigger shot 1030pm- 10000 units hcg

april 23- er, 13 eggs retrieved, 9 mature, 8 fertilized normally! i know unreal compared to our first 3 cycles.

april 26- got a call from dr f. with a embryo update... so we have always just had 2 good ones on day three so we expected a day 3 tranfer again. well to our surprise on day 3 all 8 were still growing, 4 looking better than the other 4 and dr f. said we should go out to a day 5 transfer...CRAZY!

april 28- all 8 embryos still alive but only 4 worth transferring. so we picked the 2 best expanded blastocysts (grade 4AAs) to transfer and they have frozed the other 2, one of them being an expanded blast and the other one a nonexpanded blast. on the GES scale that SIRM uses, 0-100, our two that we transferred were 95s. the frozens are a 95 and an 85.

so all in all, this cycle is 100% better than all of our other cycles combined. so we're not totally banking that this will work, since poor egg quality could still play a role here, but dr. f was hopeful that at least one of these little guys will be viable. he even went on to say that he wouldn't be suprised if both were...these are the "best" that they transfer...i guess it can't get better than that. we're super thrilled because this is our LAST ivf cycle. yeah, if this doesn't work, we'll for sure do our frozen transfer, but this is the last fresh we'll ever do. we have been pursuing adoption...and we still think we'll do that too, down the road.

but i just want to send a shout out to dr f...he has done exactly what he said he wanted to do. last time we talked to him about what he'd do different in this cycle he said he wouldn't change my protocol (which surprised me) but just give me higher doses of fsh to make more eggs to choose from. and what happened? we got more embies to choose from and made it to day 5! i think he's really good at what he does. this experience was just as great as the last time and it's always nice to know what you're in for.. i love their office.

so right now i'm just on some bedrest and we'll keep this updated as the news rolls in.

here's us down in vegas...

and after cam and my dad flew home, it was just my mom and i at the transfer.. thanks mom. love you.

.wow, that sums it all up.

2010-03-17T22:50:00.000-07:00

This was taken from an AMCAP convention and i specifically love the part about being LDS and infertile...an oxymoron in our culture. this kinda explains how we feel sometimes..minus the marital struggles of course.

Jayne E. Taylor:

A large portion of our lives as Latter-day Saints centers on reproduction, parenthood, and raising children.

When couples become aware that reproduction is delayed or unattainable, they enter a stage of emotional crisis--the crisis of infertility. The emotions include feelings of surprise, denial, frustration, anger, guilt, and typically isolation. Another initial reaction is the sense of helplessness and anger at losing control over one's life plan and body. This reaction is particularly true of people who are goal-oriented and people who need to have control over their lives. The feelings of one or both partners may negatively interfere with many areas of their marriage such as communication, sexual adjustment, and the whole quality of their life. A common fear for an infertile couple is that the fertile partner might abandon the infertile one, or worse, stay in the relationship resentfully. Some even make offers of divorce or say such provoking things as, "Well, if you had married someone else, you would have a family by now." The fertile partner may hide his or her disappointment and anger instead of dealing honestly with his or her feelings. Often we find that single people who know they are infertile will retreat from relationships or keep them superficial because they don't want this dreadful secret to be out. Married people may do the same.

Infertility can also reactivate unresolved past feelings of danger or loss. Sexuality can become extremely threatened. One Relief Society sister told an infertile woman, "You are not really a woman until you have borne a child."

The next phase following the initial shock centers on body image and self-worth. Feelings of worthlessness, defectiveness, and shame are common. People become preoccupied with the infertility workup, formulate theories about why this has happened to them, why they are defective, and why they are denied something that the rest of the world can take for granted. Barbara Manning, the past National Resolve president, said,

There's a sense of loneliness and isolation in infertility that defies description. The couple frequently feel they have no one to turn to, but each other. Family and friends are often reluctant to discuss such a personal and inherently sexual problem. If they do listen, they seem to answer with platitudes and misinformation born of generations of mythology and superstition. Somehow worthiness and pregnancy get conflated.

Because of these feelings of failure and inadequacy, it is hard for a couple to discuss this with anybody. Defense mechanisms are often set up to deal with family and friends. A man and a woman often feel damaged and defective. I have heard women describe themselves as feeling hollow or empty. One woman described herself as looking like Hiroshima after the bomb. Men describe themselves as castrated or talk about intercourse as shooting blanks.

These feelings of defectiveness go further. Many people comment that they cannot do anything right. One woman was unable to work on her doctoral dissertation; she said that her mind was sterile also. I had a very hard time going back for my master's degree until I had resolved some of my feelings about infertility. Somehow it affected my whole inner self. The monthly menstrual cycle is a terrible reminder and an enormous tension builds up towards the end of each cycle. Many women feel a deep depression verging on despair when menstruation begins. The intensity lessens over time, yet it is still always there as a reminder.

The next phase involves mourning the loss of the children a couple will never biologically have. This is a very difficult task because the loss is so vague. It is hard to define a potential. There are no funerals, no rituals to help the bereaved. It is an invisible process. I work in an intensive care unit with parents who lose children. For the most part, they have a lot of support systems--family actually present, support from family members not physically present, people who work with them, support groups, and a funeral helps them through the grief process. But people who are infertile may have no one to talk to.

The final step is that of resolution. The couple must now redefine their sexuality so that procreation is not a central point and work at regaining a healthy self-image.

Conclusive knowledge can help people who know there is absolutely no chance of ever becoming pregnant. They can close the chapter, go through the grief process, and continue with their lives. One woman I talked to recently had had a hysterectomy after years of trying to become pregnant. She was surprised at the relief she felt knowing that she couldn't become pregnant. There are many cases of infertile women who have had tubal legations just so they can't get pregnant.

The couple must assess their inner resources and decide what they are going to do in the absence of biological children. Sometimes this has to become a joint decision on which they can both agree, or the relationship will not last--or if it does, it will be unhappy. If you continue to have faith, does that mean you continue to go to the doctors?

The nonresolution of infertility can be a leading cause of failure in adoptive placements. Adoption may symbolize one's inadequacy in reproduction, and the presence of the child will actually be seen as a narcissistic injury for a couple who has not worked through that infertility. The point is, adoption does not cure infertility. Anecdotal evidence to the contrary, the statistics simply do not show that adoption cures infertility. Adoption and infertility are two different issues.

Failure to grieve is the most common block to resolution and the easiest to help. Every person has losses. We all have losses. It is very useful to give people permission to grieve. They must realize and acknowledge that a loss of great magnitude has taken place and that to grieve is normal. Also, grief runs a predictable course, and the pain does lessen as time goes on. A social support system to help is really important. I'd recommend the National Organization of Resolve (now RESOLVE: The National Infertility Association) which is very active in Utah. Also, the LDS Social Services (now LDS Family Services) here in Salt Lake can be a support system for people going through the adoption process.

In summary, the challenges to most infertile individuals/couples, and particularly those in the LDS culture, are very significant and far-reaching, in part due to many contributory cultural factors. Most people in the resolution of those challenges go through the steps of emotional crisis, mourning, and resolution. A social support system is very helpful in the successful resolution. As we remain mindful of these points, we can make a significant contribution to those suffering with infertility.

.just like my mom says.

2010-03-03T18:33:00.000-08:00

if it sounds too good to be true, then it probably is. and it was. i'm going to miscarry. had my blood levels checked again (cause i'm an annoying patient and begged the dr to let me have it done since i already needed to get my prolactin checked today). the level went from 96 on monday to 55 today. not good. really crappy. so therefore, i will have another one drawn friday to confirm that it's still going down and hopefully i'll miscarry on my own so i don't have to have a d&c. anyway, sorry we told you all, and now we have to be party-poopers. it just wasn't meant to be..so, when IS is meant to be? that's something i certainly wish i knew. thanks for all the well wishes and hopefully after we do it again in may we'll have some better news.

sidenote: so i had my prolactin checked again (ive been on medication for elevated prolactin since april 2009) and even with the drugs my levels have tripled! ugh. i do know that elevated prolactin can lead to miscarriage. great. and dr. f is so concerned about it that he wants me to have an mri next week to rule out a pituitary tumor. he can't think of any other reason it would go UP if i was on meds for it...other than a tumor. great news. thanks. i guess we'll go from there. maybe that really is the reason we've had such a hard time?

.beta scare.

2010-03-02T00:21:00.000-08:00

and we're still scared. i swear i jinxed ourselves when i posted that yesterday. so i had another blood test done monday morning, march 1. we were really hoping for a number of 150 or so. i was crushed when cameron told me it was only 96. so now, we're in beta hell. dr fisch called and was actually optimistic as our last 2 betas rose more than the expected 66% in 48 hours and he said sometimes you just get a bad day or bad hour and that he expects that we'll go on to have a normal pregnancy. he did not rule out miscarriage..but he did seem hopeful this was just a fluke. with ivf, knowing that you had more than one embryo transferred, it is likely that you could implant both and one dies off, thus causing the beta numbers to plateau for a day or two, but with our inital low numbers, that seem somewhat far-fetched. i was pretty heart-broken this morning, but after going about the day i'm hopeful, yet realistic. dr. fisch would like me to repeat the blood test next tuesday! a WHOLE WEEK away! agh. anyway, i guess i'll just keep peeing on those tests to make sure it's not going down..

hang in there, little guy.. we just wanna meet you. love, mom and dad.

.yup, it worked.

2010-02-28T19:15:00.000-08:00

so you all know that i found out this past week if our 3rd ivf worked or not, and pending notification of close family members i have yet to post. well, i'm pregnant. we're both in complete shock and VERY pleasantly surprised. we really thought we'd be going to las vegas to fine tune our drug protocol. well, so far, we'll not be going to vegas again for a few years.. :)

anyway, i had so many dreams and ideas of how i would tell our friends and family that we were expecting, but so far, it's been too scary to actually believe that it is true, or will stay true. we're all just cautiously optimistic. my first ultrasound will be on march 10th.

so here's the story how we found out.
tuesday february 22 i had my first blood test at 8dp3dt (8 days past 3 day transfer).
it was only 5. some clinics call a 5 "not pregnant" but my dr. called and said i was.
we were ecstatic, but knew it could most definately go down and be deemed a chemical pregnancy. therefore we lied to all of our family and told them it was negative to buy us some time to get another blood test. so i waited for thursday, february 25 for the 2nd beta. it came out to 26. the number is supposed to double every 48 hours and ours more than doubled which helped reassure me that we were on track. 26 for 10dp3dt is still really low, even for a singleton, but i was happy. went back to the lab saturday, february 27, and got a number of 69...still positive and rising appropriately. so finally we can take a deep breath and celebrate a little.. as far as beta hcg numbers go, i'm just now up to the "average" range for a singleton. and i'm happy being there. we have one more blood test tomorrow that will help my dr feel good about releasing me to my ob/gyn as long as the first ultrasound shows a heartbeat. that's the next big hurdle..the heartbeat!

anyway, we are so very excited to welcome a little bundle of joy into our home, it has been a very long time coming and can't wait to see how the first few months go. we know we're not out of the woods yet, but are getting pretty comfortable with using the word, pregnant. and it doesn't hurt to hear congrats, either, just helps us to realize it just may be happening.

here is a picture of one of my MANY hpts. this was done on 14 dpo, or 11dp3dt..never seen that before, two beautiful pink lines :)

.i'm surprised.

2010-02-21T20:45:00.000-08:00

uterus: please make room for 2 little eggs. thank you.
i'm surprised how content i am, that is. usually about this time i try and google every little thing about the 2ww. i usually hate everything about waiting. i usually start to lose all hope by now. but, surprisingly, i'm content. happy, even. i don't know if that's heavenly father wrapping his arms around me, or if i really just "don't care" since we have paid to try 2 more times with dr. f. what do you think? i really just like being where i am right now...technically pregnant with twins. i'm not emotionally tied to these two..yet.. but i have been found to talk to them. didn't do that the last two cycles. i don't name them.. i don't think much about them. other than hope that they find a quaint little smushy spot in my endometrial lining. i've been thinking a lot about cameron lately. i feel bad for the poor guy. first off, no hanky panky since before vegas...ok that was like, feb. 6! and other than his date with the super well-equip pleasure room a couple weeks ago, dr said i'm off limits (well my jj) til my 2nd negative beta OR my SECOND ob appt! do you know when that would be!?!? like 5-6 more weeks! poor, poor dude. i've got to do something about that. anyway, cameron, if you read this, so sorry. i really do feel bad. i can't be a very good wife right now.

anyhow.

i'm thankful to all y'all who've kept in touch. i really am grateful. first beta will be on tuesday (in 2 days!) and the 2nd will be thursday. my clinic does their first WAY early and usually doesn't call with results til after the 2nd. but luckily..i work at IHC and can look up my labs..so i'll know. it will be low and won't really say much, other than for sure negative. happy dreams everyone...i'm off to bed.

.not so great news.

2010-02-14T10:43:00.000-08:00

about 15 minutes after posting yesterday, i got a call from dr. fisch. he sounded all chipper and i was hoping for good news. well, i was wrong... he said that of the 10 only 4 were mature. great. and of those 4, 3 had fertilized with ICSI. i guess that pretty good rates if you don't count the immature eggs, but really?? only 3. anyway our hope for a day 5 transfer has gone out the window and we'll be having our ET tomorrow. hopefully of those 3, 2 will be of good quality, although my optimism has been shattered on more than one occasion with this shitty process. yes, i said shitty. thanks for listening.

.so far.

2010-02-13T08:23:00.000-08:00

well, i'm down here in las vegas with cameron and my mom. it's been really relaxing and quite fun. dr. fisch is pretty good..he's a little strange..but i know he is a phenomenal dr, so i'm putting our fate in his hands. i had my first monitoring appt with him feb. 8, on day 6 of stims. my e2 was 667 and i had about 7 follicles that looked like they would be ready. i kinda thought i'd have more, but i asked him about it and he says he only likes to get between 8 and 12 because then they all have more of a chance to be mature and good quality. the next 2 days, feb 9 and 10, had 2 more appts and the results were pretty much the same. about 8 or 9 follicles. got the go ahead to trigger on the night of the 10th...2 days faster than being on the long lupron cycles..so that was good. i only had to stim for 8 days. that was fabulous. yesterday, feb 12, was our egg retrieval. it went just as well as it could. i can't tell you how much i LOVE anesthesia. the iv sedation was great and i woke up in the recovery area with my honey by my side. last time cameron wasn't allowed in recovery and that sucked. i woke up really fast, no cramps really, and went back to the condo for a small nap. they retrieved 10 eggs. and now i'm just waiting to hear from dr. fisch to see how many fertilize. i'm not too optimistic, because last time we had 9 and only 6 fertilized with icsi. but if we get 6 or 7..i'll be thrilled. anyway, i just wanted to write real quick so i don't forget how things went. can't wait to hear from the office. ahhhh.!

EMET testing?? should we?

2010-01-19T09:16:00.000-08:00

so i need your opinion. we are obviously headed to vegas to ivf again and this time we feel like we're going to try everything to optimize success because we know we're not an easy case. so we just sat down to fill out our consent forms (which are about 40 pages long and have to be notarized...so all you guys out there that just get pregnant on a whim...be grateful...this sucks). well, on the last page there is a consent to sign up for a certain test that pretty much only our clinic does (they founded it) and it helps to pick out the embryos that are most likely to produce viable pregnancies. here is a quick synopsis of the test from SIRM itself:

The Embryo Marker Expression Test (EMET)
By measuring the concentration of a genetic marker known as sHLA-G (soluble human leukocyte antigen-G), which is released into the media in which early embryos are growing after fertilization, it is now possible to identify those embryos most likely to produce a pregnancy. This Embryo Marker Expression Test (EMET) is performed 46 hours after the egg retrieval to identify EMET-positive, or “competent” embryos. It has been determined, based upon the performance of EMET in more than 500 women undergoing IVF at SIRM, that the transfer of even a single EMET-positive embryo in women under 39 (provided that they had normal uterine linings and, when needed, were treated for immunologic implantation problems) results in better than a 60% chance of a viable pregnancy. Comparable results in women 39-43 years was above 40% . The transfer of more than one EMET-positive embryo at a time resulted in a great increase in the multiple pregnancy rate without significantly improving the overall pregnancy rate.
We conclude that measurement of sHLA-G in the media surrounding 2-day-old embryos in order to select competent embryos allows for a reduction in the number of embryos transferred on day 3, thereby minimizing the risk of high-order multiple pregnancies (triplets or greater) while optimizing IVF success.
This discovery is changing the way IVF is performed by bringing IVF practitioners much closer to the long-awaited objective of “one embryo, one healthy baby.”
Perhaps equally important is that now, by measuring sHLA-G (and perhaps similar molecular markers, as yet unidentified) produced by early embryos, we can establish a rational basis by which we can customize protocols used for ovarian stimulation to better meet the needs of separate categories of patients and so measurably improve egg/embryo quality and IVF success rates. Just as one size of any garment will not fit everyone, so no single regimen of ovarian stimulation is adequate for all patients. The use of biochemical and genetic markers of “embryo competency” such as sHLA-G could also provide researchers as well as the pharmaceutical industry with a method that would help in the development of new and more efficacious fertility drugs that produce fewer side effects with reduced risk to patients.
It is hoped that the proof that such advances can improve IVF outcome—and reduce risk as well as virtually eliminate high-order multiple pregnancies—will prompt health insurance companies to revisit the issue of universal infertility coverage. Until then, the size of the pocket book still determines the ability to go from infertility to family.
The above sections on GES, blastocyst transfer, and EMET provide an overview of the means by which the embryos most likely to implant are selected and nurtured at SIRM. How these elements are mixed and matched varies according to individual circumstances. Although it is not possible to generalize how they would be used, the following situations are examples of what might occur before embryo transfer. In the case of embryos scoring 70 or higher, we might advise culturing them to blastocyst stage; but at other times we would add one or two poorer-scoring embryos to a 70+ one and transfer on day 3 post-egg retrieval. If there are only a few embryos and all score below 70, we might transfer several at once in the hope that one might implant; but if there are many embryos scoring below 70, we might culture them 2 to 3 days longer to test if they will go to blastocyst stage. Presently EMET is available to all women doing IVF at SIRM. EMET, once requested by a woman/couple, is performed on all divided embryos on day 2 (i.e., one day prior to establishing the final GES score and transferring embryos). Thus, the EMET result influences which embryos are chosen, usually overriding the GES parameters. Each case must be evaluated individually. This is an example how a merger of the “art” and the “science” of IVF can profoundly benefit the woman and her partner.

so if you had time to read all that. would you do it.?? it's not a test that is used by most RE's but it sounds so good, and the best part...it's only $420 to do and has no real detrimental effect on the embies. but sometimes if it sounds too good to be true, then i usually is. what do you think???

.3rd times a charm?.

2009-12-29T00:01:00.000-08:00

so, call us crazy, but cameron and i are gearing up to try ivf #3. this time we were a little smarter about it. first, we have changed drs, we'll be seeing dr. fisch in las vegas..who deals specifically with egg quality problems. he thinks the protocol i've been on is "ruining" my eggs from the beginning so they don't stand a chance to make it past day 3. with our first cycle, i had 9 eggs retrieved, 6 mature, 0 fertilized. with ivf #2 i had 14 eggs retrieved, only 9 mature, 5 fertilized with icsi, only 2 made it to day 3. we did a day 3 transfer of 2 8-cell embies, grade 1. but still bfn. second change is that dr fisch is going to put me on their a/acp protocol, an antangonist protocol, which he thinks will give me better eggs, with better fertilization rates. third change that we've made to maximize our results is that we've purchased a buy 3 cycles and if you don't take home a live baby, you get a portion of your money back. good deal if you ask me, because that includes everything except meds. it even includes all associated fet cycles if we have frozens to use.

as for this cycle, we're looking forward to having much better results on the antagonist protocol

so here's my schedule...
12/30 bcp (yaz) starts
1/20 add dexamethasone and lupron
1/24 stop bcp
1/27 stop lupron, add 0.25 ganirelix, continue this thru to hcg trigger
2/2 start follistim 375 for 2 days then drop to 225
2/4 first luveris dose 1 vial
2/6 second luveris dose 1 vial
2/10-2/11 possible hcg trigger
2/12-2/13 possible egg retrieval
2/15-2/17 possible embryo transfer

once again, this is mostly for journaling purposes, since i don't write this all down. if you're interested, then that's just a bonus.

ash

.i think explains it.

2009-12-13T20:32:00.000-08:00

From an article by Dr Aniruddha Malpani, MD:
"The third group is perhaps the most difficult. These are women who grow a sufficient quantity of follicles in response to superovulation ; and have high estradiol levels as well. Egg collection is usually uneventful ; and the doctor often retrieves 8 to 16 eggs for them. If IVF is done, when the fertilization check is performed the following day, much to the embryologist’s surprise and the patient’s dismay , it is found that the fertilization is very poor even though the sperm are fine and actively motile. If ICSI is being done, the embryologist often finds that the eggs are morphologically normal ; or are very fragile. For example, these eggs have granular cytoplasm ; or vacuoles in their cytoplasm ; or dark areas within the cytoplasm. Since normal eggs are simple spherical formless blobs, these subtle cytoplasmic abnormalities are often missed or overlooked. The embryologist may also noticed that the eggs are fragile, and the cell membrane offers little resistance to the injection pipette. Many of these eggs may die during the ICSI process.
Unfortunately , because egg morphology has not been adequately studied , we still do not have good descriptive terms , when talking about these abnormalities. Since the eye only sees what the mind knows, often these abnormalities are not picked up. The patient is often subjected to repeated IVF or ICSI cycles , with the same poor results each time."

we're just a "hard egg case."

.ivf report.

2009-11-20T16:21:00.000-08:00

unfortunately i didn't have the computer in cali so i've had to wait til now to update my blogs. first off i wanted to write down everything that happened in california regarding our ivf cycle.

thursday nov 12 i had my first ultrasound at dr. marrs office in LA. i had about 10-12 follicles, but some were pretty small. they were predicting that i'd be ready sat for trigger, and that we should have about 10 eggs to retrieve. i was happy about that. they did lower my fsh and upped my lh to help the smaller eggs "catch up." my e2 this day was 1158

saturday nov 14 i had my second ultrasound and it looked about the same. about 12 mature follicles, and my e2 was 2710, getting a little too high. i was given the go ahead to trigger that night at 1030 pm.

monday nov 16 we arrived for our egg retrieval. this time was WAY different. it was an actual OR, not some scary 1930's exam room. i got my WONDERFUL anesthesia and woke up to the news that they had retrieved 14 eggs. i was thrilled. cam gave his "sample" and we went back to the hotel to relax..our work was over.

tueday nov 17 got a call from dr. bronte stone, the embryonologist, and gave us the report that only 9 of my eggs were mature and of those only 6 fertilized with icsi. we were kinda crushed..but happy that we at least had that many.

wednesday nov 18 took a break from worrying about it and went to disneyland!

thursday nov 19 went back in to get knocked up. they gave us an update of the little embies. we had 2 that had stopped growing, but the 4 remaining were going strong. finally, they brought the little embryos in, in their little incubator and we got to look at them in the microscope. we got to see our little babies first photo shoot, as seen below. anyway, i have two perfect, 8 cell embryos inside my little uterus. the remaining 2 will be frozen tomorrow if they make it to blastocyst stage. we're praying for them too, in case this doesn't work, we could have a frozen embryo transfer in a few months.

.our babies.

i'm feeling so much more hopeful this time around and i feel like it's our turn. we've been patient. it would be an added reason to celebrate this holiday season.

.off we go.

2009-11-10T11:34:00.000-08:00

we're off to los angeles today. my mom and i are driving out, with a small stop in st. george and then cameron and my dad will be flying out friday after work. i'm super excited to go to disneyland and price is right and hopefully all the ivf stuff will go as planned.

as for my appt yesterday with lindsey (who i absolutely love).. everything looks a lot better this time, than at this point in the game last cycle. i have 15 follicles and about 12 are the same size.. so we can hope to expect about 10-12 follicles. my e2 was 261, at this time last cycle it was only 123. so i'm happy.

i just want to tell cameron i'll miss him til friday. can't wait to make some babies this weekend.

.all clear.

2009-11-03T15:43:00.001-08:00

well bloodwork and ultrascan both indicated that we're all clear to start stimulation injections tomorrow night. it's great news. you can never predict whether your body will respond appropriately to all the "over-riding" that ivf protocols do to you. i'm grateful that my little ovaries are perfect and so is my little old uterus. last cycle i had 9 antral follicles and we retrieved 9 mature eggs. this time i had 11 antral follicles, so we're hoping for 10 or more mature eggs in LA. as for the protocol we're using this time...it's the same as last cycle.. 75 menopur, 225 bravelle, and 5 units lupron. it's so exciting and a little nerve racking. so far, so good. hopefully icsi will work and we'll get good fert rates.

.phase I.

2009-11-01T22:38:00.000-08:00

i think that i am lucky. i'm sure most girls that try ivf go on mad horomone mood swings. i'm blessed, i really don't have much of that (well, i guess you could ask cameron if that's true). i think the worst part is the birth control. so i'm happy to report that i finished that on thursday. i should be expecting a wonderful red flow here tomorrow. it should be right on time. if so, i'll be having my baseline scan (love the wand) and bloodwork. i'm getting really anxious to see how this cycle will pan out. i think i'm definately more hopeful and more calm about this one. it feels good. so maybe in 3 weeks we can have some of these:

and an update on what i think is wrong with us: this has not been diagnosed, but from my research i believe that cameron's swimmers have anti-sperm antibodies on them (mostly on the heads), thus preventing the sperm from binding to an egg. when the dr explained that we have a "receptor" problem, i think he meant this. i'm not going to push for an actual diagnosis, because at least we know that whatever the problem is, we have found it and have a way around it. thank goodness.

.let's talk about shots.

2009-10-25T23:42:00.000-07:00

so with ivf you have to do tons of shots..big surprise, right? well, i have yet again, began doing these shots and after a whole cycle last month of doing this you would think i'd be "used" to it... nope. last night (my first one) i sat with the needle facing my belly for about 3 minutes before i got up the courage to stab it in. i can't believe how easy it is to do to other people..like my patients, but when it comes to me..i'm a baby. i'm not complaining at all, and don't need sympathy, it's just a realization to me, that maybe my patients hate it too. i'm excited to go to my baseline ultrasound next week...hopefully i'll have lots of follicles!

.here we go again.

2009-10-18T20:28:00.000-07:00

okay, so since everyone kinda knows that we had one failed ivf cycle...i thought i'd be a little more open about this one and can document how things go. so we're going to los angeles to have our 2nd attempt at ivf with dr. marrs. i just really love him and didn't want to go to another dr here in salt lake, and i know his office is SO successful and he already knows why the 1st one didn't work. anyway, we're leaving on November 10th and will be coming home November 19th. i think i'm going to post a tentative cycle schedule here, just to keep track for myself...and if you're reading this and having ivf struggles, we can talk about it...

10/13 start birth control
10/23 start lupron injections 10 units
10/29 stop birth control
11/1 begin period (hopefully)
11/2 baseline ultrasound and bloodwork (i only had 9 antral follicles for our last failed
cycle, this time i have 12+..so that's promising)
11/4 start stimulation injections.. Bravell 225 units :: Menopur 75 units; drop lupron to 5
11/9 ultrasound and bloodwork monitoring
11/12 first appt with dr. marrs in california, ultrasound and bloodwork
11/16 tentative egg retrieval
11/18 tentative embryo transfer
11/30 first beta

.the 5 stages of finding out you're not pregnant..again.

2009-10-06T00:56:00.001-07:00

This is just about the truest and funniest blog entry I've ever read and it truly is like the 5 stages of grieving.: http://999reasonstolaughatinfertility.blogspot.com/2009/09/885-five-stages-of-finding-out-youre.html

Similar to the five stages of death/grieving, when you find out you're not pregnant you find yourself going through a similar state of mind.

Stage one: Denial. No, this can't be my period. It looks too light. It could still be implantation bleeding. The blood on the tampon looks too brown. I'll just wait until the end of the day to take a pregnancy test. If the pregnancy test is negative, it could mean that I tested too early. I don't have cramps this month and it doesn't "feel" like my period. I could still be pregnant.

Stage two: Anger. Well, I'm not pregnant again! Why does this keep happening to me? Will I ever get pregnant? I hate all those pregnant women on Facebook. Why do they keep posting pictures of their belly's? Who wants to see pictures of their babies anyways? There are pregnant women everywhere. How do they get pregnant so easily? Must be nice to be so fertile.

Stage three: Bargaining. Please God. Give me a child. I will do anything. I promise I will lose weight and eat healthy if I can just get pregnant next month. Sperms - please implant. Just swim upstream as fast as you can. Follicles - please grow and multiply. I promise not to drink coke tomorrow and I'll be the best mother ever. Doctor - please don't cancel my cycle, I'm okay with having 8 babies.

Stage four: Depression. WHY ME??? I feel like my heart is going to ache forever and my eyes hurt from crying so much. There is a lump in my chest. I am going to sleep all day in bed because what's the point of getting up anyway? Why is the pregnancy test always negative? How come everyone else can get pregnant but me? I feel so alone. My husband doesn't understand how awful it feels. (even though my hubby does, he's been great)

Stage five: Acceptance. Well. I guess it's really my period. I guess that negative pregnancy test really is correct. I'm not pregnant this month. I know it seemed like it was implantation spotting but it's really my period. Time to tell my spouse that I'm not pregnant.You might think finding out you're not pregnant again is bad but don't expect sympathy from the dying man beside you. He's got his own problems.

is anyone else out there laughing... i am, only because its all TOO true..

.why.

2009-09-22T23:01:00.000-07:00

ok, i hope not a lot of people read this, but i need to put down a few thoughts before i forget (or go crazy). first of all, i'm angry. i don't know why i have to be so punished. doing ivf was my last hope and now that's all thrown away. i'm angry with the people that always said to me, "relax, it will happen when it's supposed to." what do they know? i'm sad for dr. richards. i could tell he feels like he failed me. i wish more people could understand. no one will ever understand. i'm alone. i am lucky in one aspect...my husband is amazing. he has not, for one day, not been on my side. he understands. and i love him for that. this trial has not been nearly as hard just because he is there. i cannot seem to wrap my head around the fact that we will never, in a million years, be able to conceive a baby by ourselves. why? didn't heavenly father create our bodies to do this? isn't this my divine calling on earth? isn't this what the proclamation to the family is all about? i'm so confused. as much as i know about science and advanced medicine, why on earth can't they KNOW, with certainty, what the problem is? where do we go from here?

for those that do want to know what's going on:
cameron and i did ivf this month and we just found out today (after many ups and downs during the cycle) that NONE of our nine eggs fertilized. yes, cameron's sperm is perfect.. yes, my eggs were all mature, yet we have NOTHING. it seems that the drs are somewhat baffled, although, they have seen this before, it is VERY rare. we have a receptor/enzyme deficiency that may or may not be treatable with icsi. i'm emotionally drained and do not know if we can even pursue another ivf cycle, not to mention that we don't have any more money for one?

.joy.

2009-07-05T19:39:00.000-07:00

these past few months have been the months of confusion for cameron and i. we have been dealing with the infamous decision of ivf vs. adoption vs. just waiting. needless to say, it has been torture. it's such a hard choice because it involves so much emotion and obviously money. we have had a hard time feeling like there is ONE right choice and we are lost as to what heavenly father wants us to do. as we fast and pray for answers, we are empowered by the fact that heavenly father doesn't want us to be sad. i had a eye-opening lesson in RS today, it was on joy. the lesson focused on having joy despite our trials and tribulations. as it seems SO hard to find joy in anything when you've been faced with the ugliness of infertility, i'm stregthened by the fact that i have so much to be thankful for, such as, my husband (he is my rock), the best family, great friends, and most importantly my heavenly father, who truly has a plan of happiness tailored just for me. i may find it hard to feel happy every day, but i know that i am so blessed to have what i do have. i know i will be a mother. i just don't know how or when. but i will. thanks for the thoughts and prayers.

.nothin' better.

2009-06-10T07:51:00.000-07:00

well, as y'all know, we are taking a break from the stress of trying to get me knocked up. not that we're not "trying," we're just not as scheduled as we were when i was taking all those meds. i feel a little weird since my body was used to those, but i'm getting back to normal. we are off to go backpacking this weekend and i'm excited to get away and spend some quality time with the hubs. all i can say, is there is nothin' better than a break.

.plan b.

2009-05-31T22:06:00.001-07:00

well, i know it has been awhile since i posted, but i think we have finally made a decision to go with a "plan b." maybe i'm "untraditional" but i did not like the way my dr was going about our treatment, so i asked around and got some great advice. so i called a new dr..his name is dr. richards and he works with a guy named dr. marrs. together, these two have the BEST success rates for ivf in the nation. they solve some of the toughest infertility problems around the country. i thought, well, i'll call and see if they do less aggressive tx other than ivf. i left a message for dr. richards (who is actually a PhD reproductive scientist, not an md) and he returned my call in less than 4 hours. now, his office is in american fork, so going to an appt down there before i knew what our plans were was out of the question. oh, no big deal. dr richards spent an hour and half with me on the phone answering ALL my hard questions..and at the end, even gave me his cell phone number in case i thought of more questions after he hung up. basically, he told me that the success rates of couples trying for over one year have a less than 5% chance each month of conceiving on their own.. not impossible, but definately, not fabulous odds. secondly, he said i could possibly have a problem with horomone receptors at the end of my tubes (fimbria) that may not even pick up my egg, even though i ovulate one (or 4, ha ha) each cycle. meaning, we'd never conceive without ivf. obviously this cannot be diagnosed with any test, so you just trouble-shoot til you've had it and resort to ivf anyway.
so you're wondering what the plan is. since we did not plan to pay $15,000 to conceive a baby, we are not going to jump on the ivf wagon just yet, but we are planning on doing that at the first of 2010. until then, i'm going off all my medication (except parlodel) and if it happens before then, great. if not, we have a great dr who i know can help us. he said our chances are fabulous considering our ages and our health.
just to give you a look into their success rates. for the 11 april ivf cycles they performed, 8 of those got pregnant. the three that did not, were over age 35. so that's way over 50%. i'm feeling relieved that there is hope. i'm not devastated in waiting til january like i thought i'd be. i just keep thinking how much better that + pregnancy test will be after waiting so long.
thanks everyone, for being concerned. i'm finally realizing that this is part of who i am, and not what i am, a broken human.

.so sad.

2009-05-07T15:53:00.000-07:00

well, went to the dr monday...and lo and behold...he wants to continue on the path that we've started and not change anything up. he does not feel my ridiculous spotting is any sort of a problem. what planet is he from? its not normal. anyway, the parlodel (bromocriptine) lengthened my luteal phase a whopping 4 days! i guess that's one thing to be thankful for. so just to sum up last cycle...i started spotting on april 26..my period didn't start til may 4...and now i'm done. started clomid last night...100 mg. let's just add up what i'm taking to make everyone out there feel better because they don't have to take 27 pills a day.
1- pre-natal side effect: nausea
2- clomid side effect: mood swings and hot flashes
3- parlodel side effect: whoa, dizzy (i even fell on my butt the other day)
4- vitamin b6
5- baby aspirin

and that's why i've felt so crappy lately. i think the dizziness is the worst. even as i type now, the room is going in a counter-clockwise circle and the letters are smearing together. oh, the things you do to get to those sleepless nights with a baby.

other thoughts. i have finally given into the idea that i do not have ANY control over our infertility issue. when i first started this blog, i felt like i had all the keys to fix this...knowledge, a good dr, meds that i respond to, and a fab hubby. little did i know, that even when everything is "timed perfectly" you still might not get pregnant. the last few months (mostly april) were spent in my bed feeling sorry for myself.

those days are over (well, i'm sure i'll feel that way some days...like when i start my period). i have realized that i have NO control and all i can do is what the dr tells me to and the rest is up to my heavenly father. i'm going to enjoy my summer doing things that you can't do pregnant..and not worry too much about it. its SO much harder to do than to say, but i'm so sick of being depressed about something i can't change. i'm so sad...and i'll still have that sadness deep down, but i need to be there for cameron to make our summer fun. this is such a sob-fest. anyway. i never thought i'd have to survive such heart ache...and most people can't relate, but i'm ok. really. i'm looking up.

.spotting, wonderful spotting.

2009-04-27T12:20:00.000-07:00

yesterday i went in to have the wonderful lab-lady poke a lovely 14 guage needle into my very sensitive little anticub... gotta love blood work. anyway, my progesterone was 18, suggesting that i had a "great" ovulation...and my prolactin is down to 22...within normal range, from what the nurse said. good news, i guess..but i'm still spotting...just like i always do 7 days after i ovulate...i swear that's NOT NORMAL.

let me just discuss why i hate that i always spot...not because its annoying and abnormal...but EVERY time i get that call from the nurse with the progesterone results she says, "yeah, looks like this month could be it!" then i proceed to tell her....but i'm spotting...like i always do, looks the same, feels the same. and she ALWAYS comes back with.. "yeah, spotting can be a sign of implantation at 7 dpo." ha. lady, NOT with me..it's always the precursor to my more dreaded red-cloaked friend. i don't say that...i just laugh it off like she knows what she is talking about. i mean who really gets implantation spotting? like 2% of women? most people just "miss their periods," why not me?

at least this time the nurse said that we may need to discuss this further with the dr. wahoo, finally we're getting somewhere. the dr finally asked me and cam to come in for another consultation to discuss further testing to find answers as to why i always spot, but continue to have high temperatures and high progesterone. one reason (one that i feel has already been ruled out) is uterine polyps, and the other is endometriosis...the dreadful diagnosis. i love my body...it is such a wonderland of mystery.

so next monday..maybe we'll have a better game plan. i'm about done with clomid...it's just not changing anything!

.thoughts.

2009-04-19T12:47:00.000-07:00

first off.
the side effects from the parlodel are pretty ridiculous. i started taking it last saturday and i'm just now "getting used" to it. mostly i just get really nauseated at night and have dizzy spells throughout the day. not fun, but tolerable. they say the side effects will subside as my body acclimates to the drug. we'll see.
second.
i went back to my dr to have a follicle scan (ultrasound) and, man, i just love when they shove that long stick up places it just shouldn't go. ha ha. anyway. news to me, i had ZERO follicles on the left...and 4 huge ones on the right. dr instructed us to go home now and have some fun..as if you can even call it that anymore. i hate this timing thing...miss the spontaneity. i guess that's good news. he also said my uterine lining was "great," whatever that means. so everything seems to be in proper working order. we are now officially in the 2 week waiting period. i go back to have my progesterone and prolactin drawn next week. and the saga continues.
thanks for listening.

.yup, on to parlodel.

2009-04-12T14:25:00.000-07:00

i finally had a chance to talk to my nurse at the fertility clinic and she talked to the dr about starting parlodel (bromocriptine) to help bring down my prolactin levels. no wonder i haven't been able to get pregnant...prolactin is about 90% effective in preventing pregnancy while a woman is breastfeeding. i've read that this med will hopefully stabilize my levels within 2-4 weeks. in conjunction with the 100 mg of clomid i should be set..? right? at this point, i'm a little hesitant to think this is actually the problem because i'm not willing to overlook other problems that will prolong our journey, but it's a start. i'm hopeful.

.the results are in.

2009-04-09T13:23:00.001-07:00

well, as i hoped, my prolactin level has gone up! i'm grateful because now maybe we have a "diagnosis." i'm waiting for the MD to call to see if he thinks this is high enough to treat. stay tuned.

.prolactin.

2009-04-06T18:40:00.001-07:00

as my list to the right says, i found out yesterday that i have elevated prolactin levels. yes, this is the hormone that is so abundant in those breastfeeding women out there. but how, in my unpregnant, and even less lactating body can this be high. well, perhaps stress, perhaps a tumor on my pituitary gland. believe it or not, i'm pretty ecstatic about having something "wrong" so that we can fix it. now, not to get my hopes up, this level could have been slightly inaccurate, therefore, i'm going back to get it re-drawn next week. i'm secretly hoping it will still be high so i can get on anti-prolactin meds and on to getting pregnant. if it comes back normal, we'll just proceed with my 100 mg of clomid and an ultrasound at ovulation to assess follicle maturation. blah, blah, blah.

anyway, in limbo, yet again.

.welcome.

2009-04-06T18:30:00.001-07:00

well, here we are. i hope that this blog will keep our family and friends informed of our "struggle" (i hate using the word struggle, but is there a better word??) with infertility. i'm sure that most of you know, because i'm hardly a private person. i seek no pity. fortunately, this has strengthened our marriage rather than strain it, and we both know that we will become parents when the time is right. we understand that the way we get our babies may not be how most people get them.. and we're ok with that. mostly, we want people to feel comfortable commenting and asking questions even if you don't have problems with infertility, but this blog is mostly a way to help us document what we've done so far. i'm excited for what the next few months bring as we have moved on to a reproductive endocrinologist to help us on our journey. i laugh a lot because cameron and i took our time to become "ready" to start a family..and now, we can't. really? it's a fabulous lesson in patience and faith. welcome to our infertility rollercoaster.